Depression Struggles

Shout out to the people who are just naturally happy because it takes courage, strength, and a whole lot of confidence to not let other people or life situations to invade your life, privacy, and overall joy.

If you’ve once experienced depression like I have, then you know that you’re searching for something that’s not tangible. Mainly, your searching for something within yourself. I always knew that I just wanted to be happy. If you know me, then you know that my goal in life is to be happy. I have always been there for other people as a listening ear, someone to talk to, always helping others, constantly doing favors when I really didn’t want to, spent most of my life pleasing others and never myself, always wanted to obtain good things to impress my family and never for myself, and always upheld this perfect image, but it was never for myself. It took a toll on me when I started to mess up and things got bad for me financially. I felt like everything that I had worked so hard for crumbled before my eyes. Everything that I worked for, wasn’t even for myself. I look back and think like did I ever do anything to put a smile on my face. Was I ever that straight A student in high school because I was happy with that image of myself? Did I go to college because it’s what I really wanted to do or did I do it because no one in my immediate family went and it was kind of expected of me to go to college?

Those same people that I tried to impress and did all these amazing things for hadn’t even noticed my depression. It took me a while to even notice myself. I had to go in a downward spiral to realize that I have a problem and I need help. I am proud of all the accomplishments I have achieved, but at the time I wasn’t doing them for myself. I wasn’t doing It to make myself happy. I was always the kid that got teased for being by myself a lot. My family hardly paid attention to me because externally it may have seemed like I had it all together. When I messed up, I beat myself down until I couldn’t beat myself down anymore. I punished myself for months. I still feel like I’m doing that sometimes. I was doing that for years before I even noticed that was doing that to myself. I always feel like I don’t deserve anything good in life when I mess up one time.

What I’m getting at is, it takes strength and time for some people to find what truly makes them happy. I am still searching for my happiness. Every day, I feel like I’m getting stronger emotionally. I have my days where I’ll relapse on negativity because of one bad day or a bad week, but I try to remind myself that my goal is to be happy. I realized that all along I was searching for happiness. So, I know that I have to do things that make me happy because I’m in control of my own happiness. No one will care about it if I don’t care about it. It takes a lot of strength to want to find happiness if you’ve been in a depressive state for as long as I have. There is a difference between sadness and depression, remember that. Sadness is a feeling. You can feel sadness. When you’re depressed you feel nothing because internally, you’re searching for something.


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